I have just been reading another blog which I will try to link here, (first time linking!)
Dispatches From The Dark Side.
In this post the blogger talks about her experience with depression and how she wanted to show others all of herself, rather than being ashamed or embarrassed by certain aspects of who she is. When I began this blog part of the reason was to talk about my hormonal depression and share how I felt and how I was trying to help myself. In April I wrote two posts when I was feeling confused and helpless, but I didn’t share them, I left them as drafts. I felt embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed of these moments of sadness and fear.
I have re-read them now and I think I should share them as they show more of a complete picture of me. They also show how far I have come because mostly I don’t feel like that very often any more and that in itself is worth celebrating. I have taken control I have found ways of helping myself or improving my mental health through supplements, exercise, and healthy eating and of course writing, getting some of the internal angst out onto the page.
But I don’t think I should be ashamed of how I feel sometimes, and being honest about it and analysing when it happens and looking at why it happens helps to show that an awful lot of the time it is not due to external events but is a result of inner changes in hormones levels and therefore is more of a physical situation that has a mental outcome.
Sometimes everything just seems to scramble up and climb on top of me. I feel as though I am squashed and trapped beneath all the pressure of doing the ‘right’ thing, living a ‘worthwhile’ life. My brain is churning and circling those endless questions, what am I here to do, what’s the point in me?
Maybe I am just thinking too big, trying to understand my whole life from this viewpoint. If i just stepped out of myself and took a look, what would I see. Maybe existing is enough and there is no greater reason. Survival is the only challenge and I am doing that, is that enough, is everything else a pretence, what we do to fill in the gaps, to make ourselves seem more important, to make sense of life.
Maybe there is no answer, no definitive existence, how can there be? why when everyone is unique do we endlessly compare, contrast, judge and rate our lives so we all end up feeling lacking whichever choices we make. Are we simply our own worst enemies and critics and what’s the point in the negative inner chat?
This idea of perfection, is it achievable? Can I have a blue print for my life? Am I following the right path or have I just gone totally of track? Is it ok to spend a life wandering around in the woods only to find yourself back at the beginning? Is standing still an acceptable option or traipsing up and down the same path? Everyone’s journey is unknown, the unexpected might meet us at any turn. why then do we pretend to be in control?
It’s hard to know which way to walk when you don’t know where you should be heading.
I hate when my brain does this, rushing thoughts, negative voices, questioning, picking at me, peering into the darkness, calling for answers that never come. This time though I am going to force them back, force them out, ignore, refuse, rebuke.
I am enough, just me, as I am, no more, no less. Totally and utterly imperfect, blind to the future, the past is anyones and everyones guess! Nothing truly is as it appears to me, or to anyone else, and once it has gone, it’s vanished, all our memories are just a vision of a reality that may never have truly existed.
I am struggling to stay positive at the moment, just feel a bit blur. Sometimes I feel as though I am just treading water, staying still rather than making any kind of progression.
everyone is off out today except me and my littlest, at times my days all seem to merge into one. I Fill them with lots of things to do but am unsure as to whether any of these things are even necessary to be done!
I have been trying my best to keep fit, lose weight, keep my house beautiful, make improvements to myself and my life but I am wondering today if there is a point in any of it.
I wrote the above Friday evening when I was feeling a little hormonally blue. Although my downs are fewer they are still annoying as they interrupt my positive progressions. I am always amazed afterwards how my view of myself and the world can alter so radically when nothing actually externally has altered in any way.
If there is one thing I would tell young girls and mothers it is look out for this hormonal depression. Mine started with my periods and has had a huge effect on my life and the choices I have made. I have battled on because when the mood lifts I can see I do have potential and I am not a complete and utter failure, I am not ugly and disgusting and useless, but on the dark days that is all I can see and all I can feel and on those days it is the truth to me, just as clear as the fact that grass is green.
It has taken me until now and I am 42! To truly understand myself and the flow of my moods, and to actually positively manage them. Yesterday I woke up and was just filled with a sadness not about anything in particular but I got up, I exercised and I felt better. I spent a large part of the day in the garden in the sunshine getting a healthy dose of sunlight and Vit D, I took all my supplements, ate healthy, saw friends, did jobs and felt positive. Today I have woken up back to what I consider ‘normal’ me! I feel happy
Sometimes I just have to force myself to stop thinking and just get on.