It’s been a while

Watching 8 out of 10 cats, apparently I have reached the age at which you are allowed to write your Autobiography! Ahhh the pressure to have done something worthwhile by the age of 42! I am only just ready to start making decisions regards what I want to do with my life! I think the first 42 years I have been trying to guess what I want to do and have combined that with what I have to do, what I fell into doing, what I am expected to do, and lots of what I really shouldn’t be doing.

I am hoping that its never to late to achieve something that is worthy of including in an autobiography, any moment now I am going to do something truly amazing!

Do we even need autobiographies now we have blogs?

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Decorating Days

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Ok this is my first attempt at a post with photos, so forgive me if the layout is rubbish, and/or photos are rubbish! Part of the reason for my lack of Blogs recently is that we have been re-decorating our kitchen, (interspersed with usual family life, Eldest sons German exchange Student staying for a week, childrens party, school fairs, etc, etc. Remember the days before kids when decorating meant just decorating, interspersed with wine and take aways! The good old days! )

The first photo is part of our kitchen before it becomes a slick, clean, clutter free, designer kitchen! Well that’s the look I am going for! Now my littlest is at school full time and the toys are smaller and more confined to his bedroom I am re-claiming my kitchen as a more grown up space. Hubby really wants to put up a wall hung TV so I might treat him for his birthday!

As I paint and decorate I realise I will be sad to see the end of my flowery, homespun style. that’s the trouble with me I have very varied and eclectic tastes. I love all the mismatched china and vintage clutter, the home made curtains and cushion covers, bright colours and flowers it’s cheery and fun, but I also love the industrial grey, modern, clean, nothing on the surfaces, metal splashbacks, cream, grey and black simple palate. I need to win the lottery so I can have a collection of houses all with different looks and styles!

So to the after photo

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Yey go me! I have put two pictures into my blog! I know small things, and it wasn’t actually difficult but still I did it!

In reference to the after photo, I think it looks rather swish! My favourite thing is the blackboard paint, which I was desperate to use after seeing some pictures on Pinterest. I did get slightly carried away as I painted it on the wall as a splash-back, then I used it to update my metal bin, and on a rubber knife block and finally on my youngest sons Table and Chair set. I love the look you get with it, a very sexy matt black, and my son is happy chalking all over his lovely new table.

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Last Day of Shred

I have finally finished my 30 days of shredding! It’s been a bit longer than 30 days with interruptions for Yoga, running, and just collapsing in a heap! but I have got there and I am proud of myself. I haven’t lost a load of weight, I haven’t lost loads of inches, but I am fitter, I am stronger, I am more supple and I feel 100% healthier, happier, and I look better. My skin is clear, my tummy is flatter, my arms are more toned. I may still not have the body of my dreams but it is going in the right direction, (slowly, v slowly!) I just now need to get really serious if I want to lose that last stone and really alter my body shape.

Plan after today is to start running every week 3 times a week no excuses, add in the shred again or Jillian Michaels power yoga, Plus my Yoga class once a week. I also need to concentrate on my food intake, just three meals a day no extra unhealthy snacks and eat clean. I need to cut out those unhealthy treats that creep back into my diet every time! Just say no to biccies, chocolate, cake, crisps, bread, basically crap junk food!

So I am starting again today, I am going to set myself the simple clear cut goal of losing 1 stone in one month! That’s 3.5 lbs a week which doesn’t seem like a huge amount! Famous last words! Well I am going to go for it anyway! Food diary, exercise daily, portion control, eat clean, that’s all I have to do, and if I do it all of the time I will lose it.

Under starters orders……. And GO!

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The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have just been reading another blog which I will try to link here, (first time linking!)

Dispatches From The Dark Side.

In this post the blogger talks about her experience with depression and how she wanted to show others all of herself, rather than being ashamed or embarrassed by certain aspects of who she is. When I began this blog part of the reason was to talk about my hormonal depression and share how I felt and how I was trying to help myself. In April I wrote two posts when I was feeling confused and helpless, but I didn’t share them, I left them as drafts. I felt embarrassed and maybe a little ashamed of these moments of sadness and fear.

I have re-read them now and I think I should share them as they show more of a complete picture of me. They also show how far I have come because mostly I don’t feel like that very often any more and that in itself is worth celebrating. I have taken control I have found ways of helping myself or improving my mental health through supplements, exercise, and healthy eating and of course writing, getting some of the internal angst out onto the page.

But I don’t think I should be ashamed of how I feel sometimes, and being honest about it and analysing when it happens and looking at why it happens helps to show that an awful lot of the time it is not due to external events but is a result of inner changes in hormones levels and therefore is more of a physical situation that has a mental outcome.

28/04/2013

Sometimes everything just seems to scramble up and climb on top of me. I feel as though I am squashed and trapped beneath all the pressure of doing the ‘right’ thing, living a ‘worthwhile’ life. My brain is churning and circling those endless questions, what am I here to do, what’s the point in me?

Maybe I am just thinking too big, trying to understand my whole life from this viewpoint. If i just stepped out of myself and took a look, what would I see. Maybe existing is enough and there is no greater reason. Survival is the only challenge and I am doing that, is that enough, is everything else a pretence, what we do to fill in the gaps, to make ourselves seem more important, to make sense of life.

Maybe there is no answer, no definitive existence, how can there be? why when everyone is unique do we endlessly compare, contrast, judge and rate our lives so we all end up feeling lacking whichever choices we make. Are we simply our own worst enemies and critics and what’s the point in the negative inner chat?

This idea of perfection, is it achievable? Can I have a blue print for my life? Am I following the right path or have I just gone totally of track? Is it ok to spend a life wandering around in the woods only to find yourself back at the beginning? Is standing still an acceptable option or traipsing up and down the same path? Everyone’s journey is unknown, the unexpected might meet us at any turn. why then do we pretend to be in control?

It’s hard to know which way to walk when you don’t know where you should be heading.

I hate when my brain does this, rushing thoughts, negative voices, questioning, picking at me, peering into the darkness, calling for answers that never come. This time though I am going to force them back, force them out, ignore, refuse, rebuke.

I am enough, just me, as I am, no more, no less. Totally and utterly imperfect, blind to the future, the past is anyones and everyones guess! Nothing truly is as it appears to me, or to anyone else, and once it has gone, it’s vanished, all our memories are just a vision of a reality that may never have truly existed.

21/04/2013

I am struggling to stay positive at the moment, just feel a bit blur. Sometimes I feel as though I am just treading water, staying still rather than making any kind of progression.
everyone is off out today except me and my littlest, at times my days all seem to merge into one. I Fill them with lots of things to do but am unsure as to whether any of these things are even necessary to be done!

I have been trying my best to keep fit, lose weight, keep my house beautiful, make improvements to myself and my life but I am wondering today if there is a point in any of it.

I wrote the above Friday evening when I was feeling a little hormonally blue. Although my downs are fewer they are still annoying as they interrupt my positive progressions. I am always amazed afterwards how my view of myself and the world can alter so radically when nothing actually externally has altered in any way.

If there is one thing I would tell young girls and mothers it is look out for this hormonal depression. Mine started with my periods and has had a huge effect on my life and the choices I have made. I have battled on because when the mood lifts I can see I do have potential and I am not a complete and utter failure, I am not ugly and disgusting and useless, but on the dark days that is all I can see and all I can feel and on those days it is the truth to me, just as clear as the fact that grass is green.

It has taken me until now and I am 42! To truly understand myself and the flow of my moods, and to actually positively manage them. Yesterday I woke up and was just filled with a sadness not about anything in particular but I got up, I exercised and I felt better. I spent a large part of the day in the garden in the sunshine getting a healthy dose of sunlight and Vit D, I took all my supplements, ate healthy, saw friends, did jobs and felt positive. Today I have woken up back to what I consider ‘normal’ me! I feel happy
Sometimes I just have to force myself to stop thinking and just get on.

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Priorities, Gardening and Glasses

I managed a reasonably productive day! I got off to a good start with a workout, I completed Day 28 of the shred and I thought maybe I look slightly slimmer and more toned, which has to be good news.

I had an appointment first thing to get my eyes tested. I wear glasses most of the time but I do have contact lens unfortunately due to astigmatism (my eyes are shaped like a rugby ball instead of a football), they keep shifting around my eye and the whole world blurs, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Anyways, they think they might be able to correct it with a new lens! I am quite excited about the prospect of being able to wear lens full time after wearing glasses since the age of 11. I really don’t mind my glasses and people have always said they suited me but still, to not to have to wear them, it will be as if I am a different person! I have another appointment next week to try the new hard lenses out, so we will see!

I spent most of the afternoon gardening. Up until a year ago I had an allotment but it was really big and with everything else I just couldn’t keep on top of it, so I gave it up. So my new plan is to bring more fruit and veg into my own garden.

I have a small town garden and it has an English Country Cottage Garden kind of feeling about it. It is pretty rammed as I like to try to have plants which are of interest at different times of the year. So I have quite a few evergreen shrubs, and then lots of climbers covering all the fences and walls and its just busy! Currently in flower I have daffodils, camellias, a flowering currant, and hellebores and about to come out are tulips and bluebells. Today I planted into spaces in existing tubs and containers, strawberry plants, sweet peas, mange tout, green beans, and courgettes, in the borders I planted some coloured stemmed chard. I already have some rhubarb, a blackcurrant bush and a gooseberry bush. I am trying to pair things up to make the most of my space. I want it to look lush and green and colourful and like a secret garden. A friend once said they love my garden in the summer because they feel as though its cuddling them, I just thought that was lovely and exactly what I am aiming for.

This evening I have been busy completing my ‘to do’ list. I found a great app on the iPad called Remember The Milk. I have a huge amount I want to get done but hopefully I will at least be able to see how much I am trying to do and make some progress in some areas. I will not be able to do everything and I need to start recognising that.

I think Prioritising needs to be my next goal!

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‘Stuff’ It! I need to take control!

Have been madly busy doing ‘stuff’! I seem to have an awful lot of ‘stuff’ to do! This week I am going to try and get this ‘stuff’ under control, I need to organise myself and decide what I really want to do and achieve and then spent the majority of my time on that, rather than spending the majority of my time on ‘stuff’

I think I need to list the end goals I wish to achieve and maybe work back from them. I also need to prioritise, I keep trying to do everything but I need to realise and accept this is not going to be possible!

I am still exercising, it is keeping me sane and although I haven’t achieved all the results I wanted to I am so much fitter, stronger and more supple. Big tick to managing to exercise pretty much every day. Healthy eating and drinking again is going pretty well, still not lost the stone I need to lose but I feel great and my skin and moods have improved 100% so again Big tick and continue, just tighten it all up a bit, ie smaller portions, less ‘treats’ and stick to the clean healthy foods!

Things to work on, jewellery making, it has come to a grinding halt, I am not allocating it any time or energy, need to refocus and just do some every day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and organise myself and my time. Hopefully I will be able to use this blog as a tool to aid this, we will see.

Off to bed now as I have to get up early to exercise, need a clear well rested head for a mega productive day!

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The search for the Foundation Holy Grail continues…..

Why is it when you find a make up product you love they discontinue it! I have only recently discovered Jemma Kidd’s make-up range and have been using her ‘light as air foundation’. I love it and have had compliments on how great my skin looks but when I tried to re-order it online I couldn’t find it and according to an article I found in ‘The Mail’ Jemma Kidd has gone out of business, which is very sad news.

So I need to find an alternative and that is not as easy as it sounds! I have sensitive, combination skin that is ageing and hormonal! I need to make sure any product does not bring me out in spots, make me look too greasy and doesn’t sit in my pores or wrinkles! Thats not asking much is it?!

So the candidates I am considering are Dr Perricone ‘No Foundation Foundation’ which gets really great reviews, the only negative is it is expensive at about £48.

The second product that I am considering is La Roche Posay Hydreane BB Cream which is available on the high street in Boots for about £15,

http://boots.scene7.com/is/image/Boots/10146000?wid=280&hei=343&op_sharpen=1

http://www.boots.com/en/La-Roche-Posay-Hydreane-BB-Cream-Light-40ml_1277248/

The third product is La Roche-Posay Toleriane Teint Corrective Fluid Foundation SPF20 30ml
This is also available in Boots and is priced at just under £15. This foundation offers fuller coverage which at the moment as my skin is in pretty good condition I don’t necessarily need.

http://boots.scene7.com/is/image/Boots/10105345?wid=280&hei=343&op_sharpen=1

I think tomorrow I am going to purchase the BB cream and see how I get on. If it works great I have saved myself quite a bit of money but if not I might then I will try the Dr Perricone, hopefully I can find a sample of it.

My search for a perfect foundation continues.

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